I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
