I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
