Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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