Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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