Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
