Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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