Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So vagazzling was a success
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
