i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
