turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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