if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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