Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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