i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
