its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
