i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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