Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dignity is for republicans.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
