So drunk its hurt
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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