If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
