His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Who died my cat blue again?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
