I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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