When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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