I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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