I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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