I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
