I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
