just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
