I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
