No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
