I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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