So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
