i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
God, you're like boner-b-gone
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
