What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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