I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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