What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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