i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
