they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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