so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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