I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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