Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
