and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
