Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
