cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
