Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
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i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
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The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible