I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
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I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything