I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?