it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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