my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
