420 ftw
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
