Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
