The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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