singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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