A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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