Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.