I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.