i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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