I must be too annoying 4 u.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
