Your face is a jimmy john
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
