how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So many bounce houses so little time
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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