My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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