There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
