On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's paper in my vomit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I can't turn off my feet"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
